20.05.2015
I wanted to
cry today. I wanted to cry, sink through the ground and never come back up
again. Allow me to tell you what happened.
I’ve been
dreading this day for weeks. Ever since my teacher announced that every student
has to give a presentation in front of the whole entire class, I’ve been
dreading this day. Heck, I’ve even lost sleep because of this. Even though I’ve
always hated speaking in front of an audience, I had hope that, somehow, things
would be different this time ‘round. I had hope that, this time, things would
go well. And in the beginning it seemed like that was the case. I spent a lot
of time trying to figure out what I wanted to say and when I finally did, I
started practising. I practised in front of
a mirror. I practised in front of a small audience, consisting of my parents
and my brother. I practised. I practised. I practised until I was fed up with
it. And then came today. You can do it, Morgana! There’s nothing to be afraid
of. You’re not nervous. Just do it! And
so I went to class and waited for my turn. Ooooohh how I wish it was my turn
already! And then it finally was and I walked up to the stage. Okay, you know
your lines. Don’t panic. Don’t panic. You’ll only be speaking for about five
minutes. Don’t panic... That’s when I panicked. As soon as I faced the
audience, I forgot EVERYTHING. Errr… Errr… What was I going to say again? My
face turned as red as a tomato as I desperately searched for that first line I
had memorised. But it didn’t want to be found. I started apologising to everyone
for no reason at all and we all stared at each other as the painfully awkward
minutes ticked by. I’m gonna cry. I’m gonna freaking cry. Get me out of here!
And then the teacher came to my rescue. “Morgana, why don’t you let A speak
first, so you can get everything sorted?” “Thank you, I will.” So I waited for
my turn once more. But this time, I wasn’t even remotely as confident as I was
last time. When I started speaking, only incoherent sentences could be heard
coming out of my mouth. I can see the faces of the people in the audience in my
mind’s eye… Those faces contorted in concentration, trying to make sense of
what I was saying. I couldn’t even make sense of what I was saying. Now that
I’m looking back on this incident, I wonder what it is that scares me. Why am I
afraid to speak in front of many people? Why am I not scared when I’m talking
to a single person? Is this my insecurity presenting itself? My
self-consciousness? Do I care that much about what people think of me? Will I
ever be able to shake my fears and insecurities off? It didn’t happen this
time, but one day I will overcome my fear of public speaking.
This
diary entry is as true today as it was on that horrible day in May. I think my
fear of public speaking has actually got worse since that day. I’ve been
looking for tips on how to be more confident when speaking in front of an
audience. I once saw on Ned’s
declassified that it could help if one pictures the audience in their
underwear. This is definitely not true for me. Every time I intend to picture
them in their underwear, I panic and I forget to picture them in their
underwear. I’ve also been told to not look directly into people’s eyes, but
when I do this, I get remarks about it. One thing that I’ve learnt, is that I
should never pre-write my text and memorise it. If I forget one line, I shut
down completely. Just one tiny little mistake in the structure of a pre-written
sentence and I get the whole thing mixed up.
Do
you recognise yourself in any of this? What do you do to keep yourself calm before
and during a presentation? And how do you manage to gain enough confidence to
stand in front of an audience and speak?
I’ve
got a long road ahead of me, but if I try my best I’m certain that one day, I
will overcome my fear of public speaking.
Yours
faithfully,
Morgana
